7.08.2006

allow me to re-introduce myself...

I hate waitin for stuff. I'm one impatient nigga. I procrastinate alot though, does that make sense? Anyways, the plan was to get up and out of KS by October. Now that plan ain't lookin so stable. Problem mumber one, I wont be able to go to school AND work AND raise this lil person of mine at the same time. Thats a whole damn lot. Number two, I dont even know what the hell I'm goin to school FOR! My major is journalism, but like...am I really gonna be able to get paid off that shit? I dont wanna end up like these 40 year old people workin at Mcdonalds and shit, that scares me to death. Cause fast food=not for me. Ever. So my other option is to stay here, get a lil apartment and work and go to K-State, but it'd be easier cause I'd have my mom and pops helpin me out a lil bit...where as if I go trekkin across the damn country alone, I'm kinda by myself. I do got family there but its complicated, I aint tryna get way down there and have to depend on somebody else. Shit, I can depend on somebody else up here. Then my cuz in Chicago talkin about come stay with her. That one seems kinda shaky too...My mama keep hollerin I better marry my childs dad so I can get those complimentary Army plane tickets. She always laughs when she says that, so I HOPE shes jokin. That nigga aint finna get me way the fuck to Germany or somewhere and try to act crazy. They thought they seen the Holocaust in WWII? Psht. Try me. So this is where I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck here, and I don't wanna be stuck. Who does? I'm confused. I dont know if I should just say "fuck it" and quit school and move to Florida, or stay here in school and not know why the hell I'm really there. "She has no idea what shes doin in college"...Kanye was right, again. I know stuff like this takes time...but like I said...I'm one impatient nigga and I'm ready to BOUNCE! Oh yeah...I want a boyfriend too, any takers? =)

7.07.2006

scumbags

Scumbags. Fuckin' scumbags. The world is filled with em. They loiter on street corners, at family reunions and may even be in your bed. To further define the name "scumbag", there are a few defining factors:


a) The scumbag is selfish. He cares for no one except himself. (and I mean NO one- not his mother, his child & definately not you).
b) The scumbag will do/say anything he possibly can to make you angry.
c) The scumbag will hide his feelings until its too late for them to come to light.
d) The scumbag will talk to you as if you are the fuckin' peice of Orbit gum that got stuck to the bottom of his fresh pair of Forces earlier that morning.
e) The scumbag will expect you to take that shit like a G.
f) The scumbag does not understand that other people have feelings. Nor does he give a fuck.


Of all the scumbags, in all the cities, in all the countries, of all the world...I ended up with a fuckin scumbag for a Babys Father. He's not no regular scumbag though, oh nooo...he is the type of scumbag that doesn't reveal his TRUE scummy nature until its too late to get him out of your fucking life (i.e. when you're 7 months pregnant). He is the type of scumbag that treats you like you are the goddamned Queen Of Sheeba (buys you shit, takes you places, spends time with you, dips out on his homeboys for you etc). He is the type of scumbag that waits till he gets all the fuck the way across the ocean, and is ridin around on fuckin' magic carpets and shit, runnin from trained monkeys with Fez hats on and charmin snakes to act like the true scumbag that he is. I cant for the fuckin life of me understand why somebody would wait until they can die at any given second, to start to act like a true cocksucker. Yeah, he's no doubt stressed out that he's over here, and he might even be stressed that I'm over here, but some of the shit he says/does it just beyond me. He'll call, and say shit like "Why the fuck you aint answerin your phone?" AFTER I pick it up, mind you. I'll probably say "I just did", *silence* "Well I'm goin back to work" *click* Thats it. No "I love you", "Hows the baby?", "How are you?"...oh nooo far be it from him to give a FUCK how I feel. Yet and still, he can call his fuckin mother and tell her if I "did somethin bad" to him, but he cant spend more that a minute and some change on the phone with me? Or if he does, its him tryna down talk me & I don't play that shit. He called Monday to inform me that I was "the stupidest bitch he ever met in his life" & countless other bullshit...until I was forced to say "I hope you fuckin die over there" and told him never to fuckin call me again. My temper is out this world. So is his. So hes called me like 4 times since then, and I ain't answered. I dont need this kind of fuckin stress, I'm gonna go into preterm labor fuckin around with him AND school. So I'm lookin for an apartment in Port St. Lucie, Florida...and I'll hopefully be gone before he comes back. It sounds grimey, cause I'll have the baby...but whatever, seems to me like he doesn't give a fuck. So why should I? He is eviscerated from my life, until he gains some fuckin' social skills. Anyway. If any of you are scumbags out there, I'd advise you to clean up your act, or you'll be left alone and feelin like the steamin' pile of wrinkly ballsacks that you are.

7.06.2006

dream killers

"I'm finna turn this class clown shit to crazy G's//They told my mama I was bi-polar, had ADD//I told em wha-what I wanna do//I wanna be a baller//The dream spoilers'll foil ya//Hatin on ya to they mans on the corna'//Old folks said 'he'll never make it off the corna'//They are the virus that corrupts the soul//They are the cubic zarconia insida 10 karat gold//That get green on ya//When ya get green on 'em//You gotta wash ya hands of em//Get clean on em//Somebody told me success is the best revenge//So they gon be fucked up when you do ya thing on em//And hold ya plaques high like 'who woulda thought?'//And tell em ahem-ahem//Thank you for your no support" - Kanye West "Dream Killers"



4:11AM. I don't really know what prompted me to do this entry. Whatever, to understand me--you gotta understand some of the shit I've been through, ya dig? This aint no heartbreak story or no shit like that, but most people dont understand why I try so hard to fuck up peoples perception of me. Straight in highschool, I was a class clown. (probably due to my diagnosed ADHD that I don't take medication for, cuz I think it makes you crazy) You couldnt tell me shit, cause I aint take school seriously. Shit was a joke to me. I was the kid that sat in the front of the class, just to piss the teacher off. Everytime the teacher asked a question, my hand shot up with some ol smart ass remark. I rarely went to class though, and when I did...it was a muhfuckin event. My whole reason for goin was to make people laugh (this is back when I wanted to be a comedian). The weird shit was that I had a 3.5 GPA. I was passin every class. Niggas couldn't understand it cause I'd be in ASD EVERYDAY after school. (ASD=After School Decision) just a fancy ass name for 'detention'. I honestly think ASD is what kept my grades up. I'd be in there 3 hours a day every day after school, doin work and passin notes back and forth to whichever cutie was closer to me. Anyways, goin to school wasn't on my list of shit to do...really, I'd rather be takin a nap. So when 12th grade rolled around...I mighta made it to school a total of 60 times the whole year. So two weeks before graduation, they called me in the office. School superintendant, Principal...erybody was in there except Tupac and Biggie. No lie. Barbara Walters was even up in that bitch with a muhfuckin clip board and some stunna shades. So Mr. Baptista (who I called 'Tootsie', cause he looked like the owl on them tootsie pop commercials) informs me that I will not be graduatin, and they will be wiping the credits that I earned for senior year off of my transcripts. I laughed. They couldnt be fuckin serious. I was passin everything. They told me I didn't come to school enough to be considered eligible for graduation. Once I seen they wasn't jokin, shit got real in the field. Then they tell you them words that NOBODY wants to hear..."You can only blame yourself". This is where my Daddy's West Indian side came out in me...cause I purely went the fuck off on their asses. I don't remember what I said, but I distinctly remember my last words bein "Fuck this pussy ass school, and ya'll crackas can suck my dick!", or somethin to that effect. Needless to say, my moms and my pops went to the school and tried to be civil and shit, Baptista told them that he thought I didnt deserve to graduate, and they had a board meeting about ME and felt like I wouldnt amount to anything inside the school walls. Yeah. They said that shit. To my parents. Who are black. So you do the math on that one. My mom had some words for them (of the cussin variety) and my dad bein the good business man, just said he was gonna call his lawyer. So that was me in '04. No diploma.


Fast forward a lil bit to Mid-Summer of '04. Theres a place around here called the learnin center where you can go to earn your diploma. Sounds gravy right? NAH. It's all on the computer, and when I registered I had literally over 500 assignments to complete. FOR A FUCKING SEMESTER. You know I quit right? I was so depressed that I was gonna be spendin what seemed like the rest of my LIFE in there...when I SHOULDA had my diploma. Sometimes when you that upset, you go into "fuck it" mode. Thats where I was. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just quit tryna get my diploma, and started gettin high ALL the time (yeah...ME). I was into some crazy shit then, gettin arrested, fightin all the time,vandalism...we even broke into somebodys house. In hindsight, I think I was doin all that shit as a "get back" to me not graduatin. Like it was hurtin them that I was out there gettin in trouble. Stupid huh?


So, I wasted a year of my life. Fast forward to June 6, 05. Somebody thought it was a good idea that I go to Job Corps. I don't know if ya'll know bout Job Corps...but picture prison with no cells, and the prisoners runnin around doin whatever they felt was clever. I hated it. I had to wake up at 5:45 in the fuckin mornin, then a lil retarded short bus would pull up infront of my crib ad 6:33 and take me to Job Corps. I honestly think that was some of the hardest shit I ever had to do in life. It was hard to stay outta trouble up there, I aint have no beef with nobody...but picture a buncha bad-ass muthafuckas all locked in together, most of em got rap sheets, most of em just dont care no more, some of em are recoverin drug addicts...just shit like that. I seen alot of shit up there, seen niggas get beat down with pillow cases full of forks, I seen a girl get a bucket of piss dumped on her...crazy ass shit. I was still in my "dont give a fuck mode", while tryna get my diploma there. Then one day I came home and my Mom was tellin me she seen one of my teachers at the store. Ms. J, Ms. J was the homey. She was one of those cool ass teachers you dont get real often, and she was young too. My Moms said she asked about me and she gave my Moms her number so I could contact her. I did. They were havin this lil fair type thing in the park, and Ms. J told me she was gonna be there, and I should come check shit out. So I did, an when I seen her she was in her car bumpin some Kanye. I stood by her car and talked to her for a looong minute, and started listenin to the song..."Dream Killers". She told me that song made her think of me. Then she gave me the cd. Back at home I kept listenin to "Dream Killers" over and over again...and it was like my anthem.


I'm still wasitin time at Job Corps, not doin shit...its December. I come back from winter break in Florida..December passes and it its January. In January, on the 21st (one day before my 20th birthday) I find out I'm pregnant. I kept laughin the shit off, cause I thought it was a joke and I couldnt get pregnant. SUR-FUCKING-PRISE. I really was. So sittin in class one day, I just started thinkin about my future with a kid and no diploma, no fuckin education. I aint no dummy, dont get me wrong...but thats hard to prove when you aint got that document...ya dig? Then the Kanye Song just came to my head... and I was thinkin how happy they probably was at the High School to hear I wasnt makin it. Cuz they hated me up there. That fuckin second, I got on my grind. I ended up finishin my diploma in February, now I go to college and all that lovely shit. Anyway, the point of this is....theres always somebody tryna fuckin bring you down, THAT is why I work so hard to let people know that I aint no punk-ass, incapable chick. I'm here for the long haul baby, so they gotta deal wit it. So when I say I'm gettin outta Kansas by October...know that I'm not just talkin bullshit. I'm outta here...thats for another post though, I think I talked enough =/

* So I started typin this at 2:49AM. Ex-Boyfriend calls and fucks up my whole flow. I'm gettin stressed here, people

7.04.2006

the "bitch, im strapped!" list...

1. people been disrespectin my gangsta alot lately
2. baby dad, local hos, college teachers ...
3. what they dont know is...BITCH IM STRAPPED!
4. so im feelin extra upset today
5. culmination of shit
6. "I'm goin to get me some muthafuckin toasted oats!"-Marvin on Love Jones
7. and i love him for what reason?
8. she told her daddy he wasnt shit
9. i woulda beat her ass
10. cuz BITCH IM STRAPPED!
11. i been sayin that all day long
12. shut the fuck up @ fireworks
13. sounds like im on the fuckin Gaza strip!
14. im hell bent on gettin the fuck up outta here before November
15. he comes back in November
16. i dont think i give too much of a fuck
17. then he told me "you are the stupidest bitch i ever met!"
18. so i said "i hope you fuckin die. i hope them Haji's blow your ass away"
19. yeah. it was that deep.
20. "When you love someone, you just dont treat them bad"-Donnell Jones "Where I wanna Be"
21. i aint for all that sappy love song bullshit but gotdammit...
22. "Dont have to stay with someone that makes you cry/You'll end up killin all the love you have inside"- Boys II Men "Pass You By"
23. i think im gettin there
24. he makes me smile
25. especially since hes only 2 and says stuff like "I love you Domeek"
26. i like to think he's sincere
27. another fucking firework....
28. my neighbor is a 80 year old woman
29. with a boyfriend
30. i cant help but wonder if they be gettin down
31. havin the whole block smellin like icy hot & geritol
32. they just brought me 12 roses for no reason
33. i guess SOMEBODY cares about me
34. its dumb to take a nigga back if they cheated on you
35. it be's like that sometimes though
36. oh yeah, caffiene free coke=that brand new heavy fiyah
37. "You told me whatchu wanted/I gave you whatchu need/I told you that I love you/Make it good for you & me/I never make a promise/That I cant keep/That aint me" -Dru Hill "Never make a promise"
38. eye doctor appointment tomorrow
39. hospital appointment thursday
40. interview friday
41. he always sayin some slick shit
42. undoubtedly, he dont know that BITCH IM STRAPPED!
43. "Cuz I'm a real nigga & Ion like rappers"- Jeezy
44. im thinkin bout changin my major to child counselin
45. imagine how fucked up the world would be then
46. bitch keep askin about me!
47. "Niggas better get up outta mine, before I creep and turn ya projects into Columbine"- The Game "Hate it or Love it remix"
48. Game was on change of heart?
49. yeah. G-pass revoked!
50. while we on the subject
51. spiderman > superman
52. that wasnt on the subject at all, was it?
53. "See maybe/there was somethin wrong/And you werent tellin me/Noooo/See maybe/the laughs on me/and life was tellin me a joke"-NERD "Maybe".
54. is that what it was?
55. and the gas prices are fuckin outrageous!
56. gotta sell crack to buy a gallon
57. im done tryna fix shit that cant be fixed
58. why?
59. CUZ BITCH IM STRAPPED!

fireCRACKAS!

Catchy title huh? Anyway. I gotta do my annual bashin' of the 4th of July, cause what holiday is complete without my revolutionary wit? Thats like Christmas with no Easter Bunny...ya dig? So today is the 4th of July. For those of you who buy into the hype.."Independence Day" Hmph. Ya'll know the story. FourScore and seven years ago, some crackas came and stole this land, got punked by the British into livin in colonies on this land, declared independence, won a war and were "freed". Yeah. Hold up, lemme open a window cause I'm gettin a distinct stench of BULLSHIT in here. The 4th of July is a hoax, people! Them colonial ma'fuckas ain't care about black people! You think Sojourner Truth & Frederick Douglass was sittin around roastin a pig on a gotdamn stick while good ol Harriet Tubman boiled up some collard greens in the Massas shed? HELL NAH. I dont accept the 4th of July as a day of "freedom" by any means, cause hell...we STILL not free to be quite honest. Maybe I'm extra political about this part cause of my Sons Father bein in Iraq right now...but I also aint down with the idea that we are "free", but we got THOUSANDS of folks fightin right now for our "freedom". Does that make any type of sense to YOU? Anyway, go to ya bbq's, chill with fam, even set some shit on fire...but just dont buy into that whole "America The Free" bullshit. More importantly, be safe out there ya'll.


* Excuse the hostility. I'm workin off frustration right now. I just wrote three damn Essays.

7.02.2006

i aint the only one with talent!

Yes nigras. I was gettin my You Tube on...and I found this clip of my lil cousin Jamia (Nash) singin "Whos Lovin You" at the Essence awards. My girl dont sing. She SANGS!