saturday in the cathedral

Ayo, no disrespect...but Catholic weddings = MADD BORIN. Case in point, today I'm at this cat named Frankie's wedding, cuz my Pops was the best man...and the songs they sang, SNOREVILLE. They singin all in a highpitched tone..the entire time. Just when I thought my eardrums busted & my brain was gonna start leakin outta my ears, they stopped the damn madness. I couldn't get down with Mass yo. If I gotta be in some sort of Holy Temple, they gotta be playin the organ mad loud, have Sista Ophelia singin in her rough-ass voice, Lil JooJoo gotta be on the drums, and I'mma need about 8 people rollin down my aisle catchin the Holy Ghost. Ain't nothin wrong with praisin the Lord calmly, but damn...I think its more interestin when you got 98 year old ladies jumpin up and down and krumpin through the church. That's just my take though. Anyway, as per usual...I was lookin FABULICIOUS, until after I left the church. I went to my friend's house the dope house and this dumb whore gonna let me open a soda that decided it was time to explode, and it exploded all over my SNOW WHITE DKNY skirt(ya'll oughta know by now that posessions=life to me). I think I mighta even blacked out for a second. Cuz after it exploded I felt gone for a few seconds, then she says "They've been doin that all day!", and laughs. THE. BITCH. LAUGHED. I got even more vexed. Then she has the audacity, the NERVE, the GUMPTION to say..."Oh, stop trippin...its just a skirt!" JUST A SKIRT? JUST A FUCKIN SKIRT?! I almost Hiroshima and Nagasaki'd her ass right on the spot. I informed her that just because she shopped clearance all the time, didn't mean that everybody else did and I hadda come outta pocket with 80$ for this "just a skirt". She then said that I shouldn'ta paid that much for it. Ho, sit down. I don't know if I just got a short temper, or if that was a legit reason to be mad. Either way. I shoulda snatched her up and banged her in the head with that fuckin Raspberry Doctor Pepper. Next, this
dumbass, Kansas bred-small town ignant ho wanna tell me to use her bleach pen. SOMEBODY TELL ME, WHY IN THE FUCK OF ALL FUCKS...DID THAT SHIT MAKE THE SPOTS OF SODA ON MY SKIRT TURN PERIFUCKINWINKLE?!That aint all. Then her sister comes out from the back room and its like "LOOK AT YOUR BELLY, GIRL YOU'RE GETTIN BIG!", now maybe, justttt maybe if I hadn't already been on the verge of a murderous rampage, that wouldn'ta pissed me off. I'm gettin big? I'M 6 MONTHS PREGNANT, what the fuck do you expect? I don't need you goddamn informin me that I lost my effin waistline, I see it every day. I was 120 pre-pregnancy, and what do you weigh right now, (with NO kids...might I add). Somewhere in the big ass neighborhood of 250? So, I told her to go fuck herself & that I still remember what each of my toes look like, unlike her. I didn't say it in a jokin way. She laughed. She thought I was jokin. Then she said "Exhale girl!", EXHALE? EXHALE?! HOW BOUT I EXHALE MY FIST INTO YOUR MOUTH? FUCKA WHITNEY HOUSTON, IM BREATHIN JUST FINE, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. All in all, this has been a very trying day & I shoulda stayed my ass in the Cathedral.

the "stay the night" list

1. you keep sayin stay the niiiiight, just let me rock ya till the mornin liiiiight!
2. that song reminds me of him.
3. "plus she got a body that could prolly turn a gay man straight!"
4. why her toes looked like baby turtle heads? =(
5. may 31
6. do you want a revolution? WOO WOO!
7. gold grillz aint for everybody
8. remember jelly sandals?
9. beads in your hair?
10. ridin bikes?
11. when did shit stop bein simple?
12. it dont take a whole day to recognize sunshine
13. im smarter than they give me credit for
14. i told them to give me wings, cuz im flyyyy
15. why she always tryin to give advice and dont know what the hell she talkin bout?
16. i gotta get me some new friends
17. "i'll blow yo head smooooooov off!"
18. my mama brought me back a party favor shaped like a penis, and when you blow it a paper with lil pictures of sperm flys out =)
19. "i can feel it inside/i cant explain how it feels/all i know is that i'll never dish another raw deal"- LL Cool J "I Need Love".
20. girls actually was feelin that cornball ass shit?
21. fuck the Source Sauce Magazine!
22. he said im beautiful
23. i told him his ears reminded me of NASA satellites
24. am i too hard on people?
25. or are they too hard on me?
26. "oh, oh sheiiiila"
27. i wonder if im the only one who yelled when Prince came out on the American Idol finale
28. i expect to be rich
29. im talented, right?
30. lighters + nail polish = uncontrollable fire
31. Damarion left today =(
32. mamas lasanga
33. "I tried to go on like I never knew you/I'm awake, but my world is half asleep/I prayed, for this heart to be unbroken/but with out you all I'm goin to be is incompleeeete"- Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
34. dont sleep
35. T.I. got his herpes cleared up? SIGN ME UP!
36. what happened to Latif?
37."I just love that smilin face/and the early sun/if I can't have you to myself/Then lifes no fun" -Bootsy Collins "Rather Be With You"
38. so beans got clapped yesterday? HAHAH!
39. why nobody wont clap Remy Ma?
40. where Timbalands neck go?
41. Dmx sounds like he been readin the "Whitney Houston Guide To Life", on his new album
42. GO NAS!
43. oooooh oooooh oooooh GIRL, as long as I been givin my love to you-ooh!
44. imma sink my love in yo eye, baby!
45. i'd never live there
46. WAY too many white folks
47. if you aint up on thangs...
48. the 98 taurus rides like a dream, two 12s in the trunk and tinted out, ALREADY!
49. im at 49 already?
50. thats quite enough.

love'll make you do right.

Love'll make you do damn wrong too. I know. My Ex called me today. I normally dont accept his calls, cuz well, hes my ex for a reason. He called from a 504 number (New Orleans), which I shoulda paid attention to. I dont know what the hell made him think I wanted to talk to him, but he proceeded to tell me that he was "Still in love" with me, and that if things dont work out with me and my childs pops, that hes there for me. Now, in retrospect, that sounds all nice and gentle and shit right? All caring and sentimental huh? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. I know G when I hear it/see it and that nigga was runnin G. You don't just call somebody out the blue on some "You're the only girl I care about. I wanna be with you", type shit. I cant believe that shit was sincere, cause if I did, I'd be a damn fool. What the fuck does he expect me to do anyway? Drop my nigga right now, that just happens to be in Iraq, fightin for my freedom and petroleum oil for his ol unemployed, no highschool diploma havin ass? Once again, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. On a totally unrelated, and random note: another Ex of mine, (we'll just call him "Psycho Ex Murderer Negroid From Alabama")is in jail. Why? Because he decided it would be acceptable to kill his girlfriend's 7 year old son (coincidentally, this is the same gap tooth, dry wig wearin whore that he cheated on me with). Hit rewind with me folks, for I have a previous story to tell you about PEMNFA. This was the first (and last) nigga who ever put his hands on me. Like literally tried to do the world a disservice and get rid of the kid. Unbelieveable right? Anyway, I caught him at dry-wig-whore's apartment one night. My exact words to him were "Well, thats rude", he told me to get in his car so he could talk to me. Me bein the dumbass I was then (I was 18), actually got in there. Outta nowhere, nigga starts chokin me out till it literally went black, punchin me in the head and shit. I'm thinkin to myself like "I aint goin out like this!", so I bite the web of his hand till the white skin is just hangin, blood dribblin everywhere, take off my BCBG stiletto and get him in the dentals (I know I dented one of them fake ass gold fang caps), and while he's tryna stop the web from bleedin and cussin and tryna grab at me, I stabbed at his dick with the stiletto, got the fuck outta the car and then barefooted, I kicked the fuck outta his lil bitch ass maroon Caddy. So its not surprising that he killed somebody. But, prior to that, he too called me tryin to talk sweet. AFTER he tried to murk me out. Can I get a collective GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE? Like, I'm a good person, I generally do right by people, you know? So why do I keep gettin these FUCK UPS? It cant be me. I refuse to believe that. I dont even go for the gangsta-drug-dealer-on-24s shit no more, cause that shits played out to me. Grow up and get a real job. With a dental plan. Ya know? *sighs* So I have a man right now. My Babys Father. I love him to death, hes my nigga and all, but I'm feelin like we're gonna grow apart REAL soon. We're the same and different at the same time. He's just too...childish for me. I cant handle a nigga that cant act his age & do what grown men are sposed to do, you know? Then when he comes back from Iraq, I know hes gonna be actin all crazy and shit, tryna do all types of shit he doesn't need to be doin, simply because he just got back. I understand that hes gonna have to release all that tension SOME WAY. That's cool with me, whatever. But I really am scared that hes gonna fuck this whole thing up and I'm gonna end up hatin him like I hate ALL my other Ex's. (with the exception of one). I dont wanna hate him if I have a child with him, what fuckin sense does that make? I wanna at LEAST be cool with him. But he's just like me. An asshole that only a few people can understand. So, am I fuckin like...destined to be by myself or some shit? I can dig the solitude thing sometimes. *rolls eyes* I got too many thoughts rollin around in my head to even blog right now. I dont got no choice but to wait till November & see how shit turns out huh? Psh. Can I get a GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE from the congregation, PLEASE?




* this is a Bootsy Collins "Rather Be With You", inspired blog. DAMN YOU BOOTSY, AND YOUR FUCKIN PSYCHADELIC GLASSES!

drive slow

Last car induced blog, I swear.
Watch the "Drive Slow" remix video, Kanye, Paul Wall, GLC & everyone's favorite malnourished cutie pie, Clifford "T.I." Harris. Snatch out ya grillz for this one, homey.

rollin in my '64...

let me riiiiiide... Soooo I decided to get the Taurus. Why? Cuz this afternoon, My Dad came by the crib with the car, windows tinted, a pretty lil light blue cd deck installed, so you know me bein the noise pollution advocate I am, I had to run to the trunk & see if he gave me some beats for the streets too. I popped trunk, and there it was a 10 inch (NON-HOUSE!) speaker. It sits so pretty in there. So eff that Honda. I don't want my child ridin around in that goddamn death trap anyways. I have to push the break allllll the way down, damn near through the floor of the car in order to get that bitch to yield to oncoming traffic! So as I sit here, eatin stale ass funyuns (true story) and drinkin a Dasani water I come to another realization. This is only a 4 year car. When I graduate college, I'll indeed be rollin in a new whip. PLUS, if somethin goes wrong with the Taurus, I dont have to worry about fixin it. My Dads Dealership will do all that shit for me. FOR FREE. Damn these Funyuns are good. So thanks for ya'lls input. Ya'll are THE GREATEST MOTHAFUCKAS on this lil no-ozone-layer havin rock that we call earth. Ya'll coulda been anywhere in the world, but you're here with me...I appreciate that =)





random: "I'm caught up in a real, life fatal ATTRACTION in this mothafucka!"-Martin Lawrence.

ride it till the wheels fall off!

Well..to the 3 and a half people who read this, heres your chance to become interactive and feel like you made a difference in my life today. Yay. So, I got a lil Dilemma (no Nelly & Kelly) goin on. I'm on the verge of tradin in my 94 Honda Accord (that I have left many FOO'Z in the dust with, cause they let the year of my car fool em) to get a 98 Taurus. Sounds all good right? This is my problem. My Dad is a Hustla. I mean hes on some sell-you-some-oxygen-and-a-dream-cassidy-aint-touchin-him type shit. So he's holdin the Taurus for me at his Dealership, even though what I really want is a effin 2007 Toyota Yaris. Anyway, this nigga neglects to tell me that the Taurus don't have a CD player. *mouth drops in awe* YES. I'm like who the fuck makes a car with no CD player in it after 1989? That shits crazy to me. My 94 Honda got a goddamn cd player in it, granted I had some ex-cons put it in, along wit my 10inch industrial strength speaker that BEATS THE BLOCK UP LIKE A ASSWHOOPIN. Thats beside the point though. My Dad said he'd get a cd player installed in it wit a new speaker, but that nigga be takin wayyyy too long for my tastes. So, what would YOU do? Probably get the new whip, huh? I'm complicated though. I want shit my way! *throws a tantrum*

i picked this outta a hat.

But yeah. Gawd damn my nails are chippin! *kicks a Nun across the street* Anyway, this just started to irk me about ohh...6.53 seconds ago, so I had to type as fast as my fingers would carry me over to blogger & post it in my lil chronicles here. Why the FUCK do people ask for your advice and do the exact opposite? It makes me feel like my advice (which is FABULISTICATASTICALLY the most DOPE and accurate advice you can receive, mind you) isn't shit. Thats like on Tv when a man asks his wife what color shirt he should wear, and hes holdin a brown one & a white one, she says white and he picks brown. Yahmsayin? I feel like I'm rambling. Point is, dont ask for my advice if you not gonna use it, you cum guzzlin belly dancin ho whore! ummm...jerk! Whew. Mothafuckas made my blood pressure rise a lil bit. OH YEAH..I'm about to go see how much they'll give me for my 94 Accord, hopefully its in the 2thou range, so I can be tourin the city doin a buck fiddy in whatever car I choose to buy from my Dad. (fucked up aint it? cant even get no deals) My daddy got more hustle than hustleman. I'll be back later.



random: "Fancy, what the hell?!"

non-fiction.

"I will never tell even if it means sittin in a cell//I ain't never ran, never will//I ain't never been smacked; a nigga better keep his hands to himself or get clapped for what's under that man's belt//I never asked for nothin I don't demand of myself//Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth//Death before dishonor and I tell you what else//I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help//Foolish pride is what held me together through the years//I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself//I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail//But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself//If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell 'Til it's heaven" - Jay Z "Justify My Thug"


That, bitches & hos, is what I call NON-FICTION TALK.