7.06.2006

dream killers

"I'm finna turn this class clown shit to crazy G's//They told my mama I was bi-polar, had ADD//I told em wha-what I wanna do//I wanna be a baller//The dream spoilers'll foil ya//Hatin on ya to they mans on the corna'//Old folks said 'he'll never make it off the corna'//They are the virus that corrupts the soul//They are the cubic zarconia insida 10 karat gold//That get green on ya//When ya get green on 'em//You gotta wash ya hands of em//Get clean on em//Somebody told me success is the best revenge//So they gon be fucked up when you do ya thing on em//And hold ya plaques high like 'who woulda thought?'//And tell em ahem-ahem//Thank you for your no support" - Kanye West "Dream Killers"



4:11AM. I don't really know what prompted me to do this entry. Whatever, to understand me--you gotta understand some of the shit I've been through, ya dig? This aint no heartbreak story or no shit like that, but most people dont understand why I try so hard to fuck up peoples perception of me. Straight in highschool, I was a class clown. (probably due to my diagnosed ADHD that I don't take medication for, cuz I think it makes you crazy) You couldnt tell me shit, cause I aint take school seriously. Shit was a joke to me. I was the kid that sat in the front of the class, just to piss the teacher off. Everytime the teacher asked a question, my hand shot up with some ol smart ass remark. I rarely went to class though, and when I did...it was a muhfuckin event. My whole reason for goin was to make people laugh (this is back when I wanted to be a comedian). The weird shit was that I had a 3.5 GPA. I was passin every class. Niggas couldn't understand it cause I'd be in ASD EVERYDAY after school. (ASD=After School Decision) just a fancy ass name for 'detention'. I honestly think ASD is what kept my grades up. I'd be in there 3 hours a day every day after school, doin work and passin notes back and forth to whichever cutie was closer to me. Anyways, goin to school wasn't on my list of shit to do...really, I'd rather be takin a nap. So when 12th grade rolled around...I mighta made it to school a total of 60 times the whole year. So two weeks before graduation, they called me in the office. School superintendant, Principal...erybody was in there except Tupac and Biggie. No lie. Barbara Walters was even up in that bitch with a muhfuckin clip board and some stunna shades. So Mr. Baptista (who I called 'Tootsie', cause he looked like the owl on them tootsie pop commercials) informs me that I will not be graduatin, and they will be wiping the credits that I earned for senior year off of my transcripts. I laughed. They couldnt be fuckin serious. I was passin everything. They told me I didn't come to school enough to be considered eligible for graduation. Once I seen they wasn't jokin, shit got real in the field. Then they tell you them words that NOBODY wants to hear..."You can only blame yourself". This is where my Daddy's West Indian side came out in me...cause I purely went the fuck off on their asses. I don't remember what I said, but I distinctly remember my last words bein "Fuck this pussy ass school, and ya'll crackas can suck my dick!", or somethin to that effect. Needless to say, my moms and my pops went to the school and tried to be civil and shit, Baptista told them that he thought I didnt deserve to graduate, and they had a board meeting about ME and felt like I wouldnt amount to anything inside the school walls. Yeah. They said that shit. To my parents. Who are black. So you do the math on that one. My mom had some words for them (of the cussin variety) and my dad bein the good business man, just said he was gonna call his lawyer. So that was me in '04. No diploma.


Fast forward a lil bit to Mid-Summer of '04. Theres a place around here called the learnin center where you can go to earn your diploma. Sounds gravy right? NAH. It's all on the computer, and when I registered I had literally over 500 assignments to complete. FOR A FUCKING SEMESTER. You know I quit right? I was so depressed that I was gonna be spendin what seemed like the rest of my LIFE in there...when I SHOULDA had my diploma. Sometimes when you that upset, you go into "fuck it" mode. Thats where I was. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just quit tryna get my diploma, and started gettin high ALL the time (yeah...ME). I was into some crazy shit then, gettin arrested, fightin all the time,vandalism...we even broke into somebodys house. In hindsight, I think I was doin all that shit as a "get back" to me not graduatin. Like it was hurtin them that I was out there gettin in trouble. Stupid huh?


So, I wasted a year of my life. Fast forward to June 6, 05. Somebody thought it was a good idea that I go to Job Corps. I don't know if ya'll know bout Job Corps...but picture prison with no cells, and the prisoners runnin around doin whatever they felt was clever. I hated it. I had to wake up at 5:45 in the fuckin mornin, then a lil retarded short bus would pull up infront of my crib ad 6:33 and take me to Job Corps. I honestly think that was some of the hardest shit I ever had to do in life. It was hard to stay outta trouble up there, I aint have no beef with nobody...but picture a buncha bad-ass muthafuckas all locked in together, most of em got rap sheets, most of em just dont care no more, some of em are recoverin drug addicts...just shit like that. I seen alot of shit up there, seen niggas get beat down with pillow cases full of forks, I seen a girl get a bucket of piss dumped on her...crazy ass shit. I was still in my "dont give a fuck mode", while tryna get my diploma there. Then one day I came home and my Mom was tellin me she seen one of my teachers at the store. Ms. J, Ms. J was the homey. She was one of those cool ass teachers you dont get real often, and she was young too. My Moms said she asked about me and she gave my Moms her number so I could contact her. I did. They were havin this lil fair type thing in the park, and Ms. J told me she was gonna be there, and I should come check shit out. So I did, an when I seen her she was in her car bumpin some Kanye. I stood by her car and talked to her for a looong minute, and started listenin to the song..."Dream Killers". She told me that song made her think of me. Then she gave me the cd. Back at home I kept listenin to "Dream Killers" over and over again...and it was like my anthem.


I'm still wasitin time at Job Corps, not doin shit...its December. I come back from winter break in Florida..December passes and it its January. In January, on the 21st (one day before my 20th birthday) I find out I'm pregnant. I kept laughin the shit off, cause I thought it was a joke and I couldnt get pregnant. SUR-FUCKING-PRISE. I really was. So sittin in class one day, I just started thinkin about my future with a kid and no diploma, no fuckin education. I aint no dummy, dont get me wrong...but thats hard to prove when you aint got that document...ya dig? Then the Kanye Song just came to my head... and I was thinkin how happy they probably was at the High School to hear I wasnt makin it. Cuz they hated me up there. That fuckin second, I got on my grind. I ended up finishin my diploma in February, now I go to college and all that lovely shit. Anyway, the point of this is....theres always somebody tryna fuckin bring you down, THAT is why I work so hard to let people know that I aint no punk-ass, incapable chick. I'm here for the long haul baby, so they gotta deal wit it. So when I say I'm gettin outta Kansas by October...know that I'm not just talkin bullshit. I'm outta here...thats for another post though, I think I talked enough =/

* So I started typin this at 2:49AM. Ex-Boyfriend calls and fucks up my whole flow. I'm gettin stressed here, people

7 Comments:

Blogger Redstallyun said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Nika Laqui said...

Girl, if we are not cut from the same cloth...

They tried to put me on meds...I said get that shit up out my face, it does make you crazy...

As far as, school, I left, but because I was homeless...
My mother is my own dreamkiller...
I still had a 3.0 when I left with failed classes, cause I wasn't there and wasn't thinking about homework, I had to survive, working 2 jobs...

My mother didn't care about me and school or my well being...
So I said FUCK IT, thats my favorite shit...I'm always on some FUCK IT, nonchalant shit...

People, many people say I'm nonchalant, I doubt its a character flaw cause if I didn't say fuck it..people would be hurt...

But I went and got my Good Enough Diploma...

Moms tried to send me away to the Army, Job Corp, whereever....

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Sorry my comment is so long...

1:24 PM  
Blogger JerseyTjej said...

I took the meds and fuckin cranked out twins...Do what you gotta do

4:27 PM  
Blogger JerseyTjej said...

I took the meds and fuckin cranked out twins...Do what you gotta do

4:27 PM  
Blogger 911 said...

I think when anyone makes it out of something mentally taxing their self confidence becomes really good....proof=you....Me=Mr.Me Too.....1

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:37 AM  
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7:33 PM  

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