saturday in the cathedral

Ayo, no disrespect...but Catholic weddings = MADD BORIN. Case in point, today I'm at this cat named Frankie's wedding, cuz my Pops was the best man...and the songs they sang, SNOREVILLE. They singin all in a highpitched tone..the entire time. Just when I thought my eardrums busted & my brain was gonna start leakin outta my ears, they stopped the damn madness. I couldn't get down with Mass yo. If I gotta be in some sort of Holy Temple, they gotta be playin the organ mad loud, have Sista Ophelia singin in her rough-ass voice, Lil JooJoo gotta be on the drums, and I'mma need about 8 people rollin down my aisle catchin the Holy Ghost. Ain't nothin wrong with praisin the Lord calmly, but damn...I think its more interestin when you got 98 year old ladies jumpin up and down and krumpin through the church. That's just my take though. Anyway, as per usual...I was lookin FABULICIOUS, until after I left the church. I went to my friend's house the dope house and this dumb whore gonna let me open a soda that decided it was time to explode, and it exploded all over my SNOW WHITE DKNY skirt(ya'll oughta know by now that posessions=life to me). I think I mighta even blacked out for a second. Cuz after it exploded I felt gone for a few seconds, then she says "They've been doin that all day!", and laughs. THE. BITCH. LAUGHED. I got even more vexed. Then she has the audacity, the NERVE, the GUMPTION to say..."Oh, stop trippin...its just a skirt!" JUST A SKIRT? JUST A FUCKIN SKIRT?! I almost Hiroshima and Nagasaki'd her ass right on the spot. I informed her that just because she shopped clearance all the time, didn't mean that everybody else did and I hadda come outta pocket with 80$ for this "just a skirt". She then said that I shouldn'ta paid that much for it. Ho, sit down. I don't know if I just got a short temper, or if that was a legit reason to be mad. Either way. I shoulda snatched her up and banged her in the head with that fuckin Raspberry Doctor Pepper. Next, this
dumbass, Kansas bred-small town ignant ho wanna tell me to use her bleach pen. SOMEBODY TELL ME, WHY IN THE FUCK OF ALL FUCKS...DID THAT SHIT MAKE THE SPOTS OF SODA ON MY SKIRT TURN PERIFUCKINWINKLE?!That aint all. Then her sister comes out from the back room and its like "LOOK AT YOUR BELLY, GIRL YOU'RE GETTIN BIG!", now maybe, justttt maybe if I hadn't already been on the verge of a murderous rampage, that wouldn'ta pissed me off. I'm gettin big? I'M 6 MONTHS PREGNANT, what the fuck do you expect? I don't need you goddamn informin me that I lost my effin waistline, I see it every day. I was 120 pre-pregnancy, and what do you weigh right now, (with NO kids...might I add). Somewhere in the big ass neighborhood of 250? So, I told her to go fuck herself & that I still remember what each of my toes look like, unlike her. I didn't say it in a jokin way. She laughed. She thought I was jokin. Then she said "Exhale girl!", EXHALE? EXHALE?! HOW BOUT I EXHALE MY FIST INTO YOUR MOUTH? FUCKA WHITNEY HOUSTON, IM BREATHIN JUST FINE, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. All in all, this has been a very trying day & I shoulda stayed my ass in the Cathedral.


Blogger wun_knight said...

Damn. Today really wasn't your day, was it? I know it's fuct up when people don't recognize, or at least acknowledge, the value that others put on their possessions. That has pissed me off since I was still peeing in the bed and sharing Matchbox cars. Maybe you can get some of that anger out at church today.

"Jesus is on the main line..."

12:46 AM  
Anonymous gina said...

*[fanning for extra air after my communion wafer and sip of vino*] See in Mass we dont get down like that...Communion be EVERY sunday and you can get your swerve on if you grab the goblet and glug! Try it again...the music be mellow after the body of Christ, LOL!!!!I swear to God you are insane! I laughed so hard, the dog started barkin at me!

12:40 PM  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

I feel you on Catholic weddings, it's like watching grass grow. Raised a catholic myself, having to sit through boring church services, listen to very un-soulful singing, and telling a man in a booth about impure thoughts that I had for a nun once, it seems the only good thing I took away from being a catholic are flashbacks of girls in catholic school girl uniforms.. Sorry for my rant..lol

4:07 PM  
Blogger Nika Laqui said...


I love these kinda posts when people snap the fuck off on folk...*lol*

11:48 PM  
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